Purple Trance and Co go out for a drink
by why 'cuz I said so
Summary: Season 1 type story, everyone's here! And well, the title kinda says it all. Finished! and now even more typos cleaned up
1. So, are we going or what?

Title: Purple Trance and Co. go out for a drink

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Nothing. Nada. Ok, now you made me cry. Are ya happy now, are ya?

Characters: The whole season one gang is here, some characters more than others. I can't help it, I'm just really bad at writing some of the characters.

Genre: This is supposed to be humor. Indulge me. Well, except for chapter 4. See the note at the beginning of that chapter for an explanation.

AN: This story is technically incomplete, though I suppose this type of thing could really end anywhere. I have three more chapters in mind, one of which is largely written, but I feel I am losing the funny. So, if this doesn't sound too pathetic I am hoping for a smidge of feedback to lemme know 1) if I have completely lost the funny (or never had it!) 2) if I should finish the last few chapters or just let it be. Many Thanks!!

Note #2: Egads!! I have just (12/16/2004) read (or possibly reread) Brit2's story And the Winner Is! And either we are on the same wavelength or I have unintentionally borrowed her 'Harper gets Rommie drunk' plot point. Sorry! If it bothers, let me know and I'll alter it.

"Oh come on Dylan, don't be such a stick in the mud. Even Tyr is coming." Beka leaned back against the door to the Maru. For the last five minutes she had been trying to tease Dylan into joining the rest of the crew for a trip to the least sleezy bar on this particular drift and bringing Tyr into the argument was her last ploy. The two were increasingly competitive. Must be the Nietzschean testosterone.

Tyr glared at Beka, not pleased at being brought into the discussion. "I am only coming because the largest arms dealer on this pathetic little drift drinks there every night. And we are in desperate need of weaponry. Do I need remind you of how we were nearly destroyed…"

"Ah, no. Actually you don't." Tyr could be a real killjoy thought Beka. But at least Dylan looked like he might be changing his mind. Beka smirked, she was getting really good at manipulating him. "See Dylan, something for everyone – weapons for Tyr, potential converts for Rev Bem, girls for Harper to drool on and drive away, little umbrella drinks for Trance, and a little well-earned R & R for you. So, are you in or not?" Hands on her hips, Beka made it clear that this was her last invitation.

Dylan shook his head a little, looked down at the floor and back up at his first officer. "Well, when you put it that way how could I refuse?"

Beka loved winning. She gave Dylan her best smart-ass grin, "I knew you couldn't." Tyr rolled his eyes at both of them.

Everyone else was already waiting in the Maru when Dylan returned 10 minutes later, still wearing his High Guard uniform. Beka, Trance, and Harper had all changed into their preferred night-out-on-the-town clothes. Tyr's normal clothing was night out worthy, though his choice of accessories, 2 extra guns and 2 large knives in addition to his force lance, was a little unusual for anyone but a Nietzschean. Even Rev Bem was wearing nicer robes than normal. Only Dylan would wear a uniform out to a drift bar. The crew secretly believed that Dylan only owned uniforms and the sweats he played basketball in. There were bets on which he wore to bed but no one was willing to be the one to find out.

They were chatting excitedly when he walked in and took a quick look around. "So I assume Rommie drew the short straw and gets to stay behind to hold down the fort?"

Holo-Andromeda appeared at the entrance to the Maru. "Androids are not welcome on this drift, and although my avatar could probably pass for human she has no interest in experiencing the type of 'night-life' you all seem to prefer. Specifically she said 'I don't need to go to a drift to turn down unwanted sexual advances, I have Harper for that.'"

"Hey!" was all Harper could come up with in reply, while Trance and Beka laughed. Even Rev Bem was amused, "Ah yes, our Harper is quite skilled at making unwanted advances. He has, after all, more practice than most."

Harper tried to argue, but Tyr was not interested. "Boy, none of us wants to hear anymore of your stories. I want you all to know that I have no intention of '_bonding'_ with you tonight. I am going to meet my contact, make my deal, pick up my goods, and then await you on the Maru. Any foolishness you are involved with tonight is your own business, unless it interferes with mine. Make sure that it doesn't."

Trance just smiled at Tyr's rather pretentious announcement, while Harper snorted, Rev looked slightly irritated, and Beka crossed her arms in front of her. Dylan decided it was time to get going before the tensions got any worse. "Alright then, if everything is settled, can we get this show on the road as they used to say on old Earth?"

Harper got a foolish grin on his face, "You mean, 'Let's Bring It'?"

Everyone rolled their eyes at that, even Holo-Andromeda. Dylan clapped his hands down on Harper's shoulders, "Mr. Harper that is my line. You never get to say my line. Never. Besides, you didn't even say it right."

Trance couldn't contain her excitement anymore, and began bouncing on the balls of her feet. She looked over at Beka who was smiling at the enthusiastic young woman. "Please can we go now? There's supposed to be a Yoshido game in the back room. I love Yoshido!" Trance was now clapping and almost jumping with eagerness. It was adorable and infectious and everyone's tensions eased. Trance looked around pleased with the results of her little display. Well, pleased with everyone except for Tyr. His shoulders had tensed into a near fighting stance and he was growling lowly at her. Oh well she thought, you can't win them all.


	2. Ah, the bar

The bar was crowded and lively with the occasional outburst that was quickly moved into the street by a pair of alert bouncers. All in all it was better than the average drift bar. Rev Bem had immediately spotted several possible converts, young men drinking alone at each end of the bar, heads in hands. He of course had immediately gone to one of them to offer counsel, though Beka offered the opinion that they were probably too drunk to even grasp that they were talking to a Magog, let alone what he was saying about the Way. Tyr had not found his contact yet and had been forced to share a table with the others.

"See, didn't I tell you this would be fun?" Beka was in a good mood; no one was shooting at them, everyone was well and uninjured, nothing was wrong with her ship, and her favorite music was even playing. "Hey Tyr, stop staring at people like that, you're going to scare away that dealer you came to meet."

"Yeah Big Guy you're scaring away all the lovely ladies."

"Harper, I doubt that **I **am the one scaring the women away." This was the most Tyr had said to any of them since their arrival. True to his word he was there for business and nothing else.

Harper was in too good a mood to let Tyr's attitude get to him. Even if it was true that the only women to approach the table had wanted to flirt with Dylan (freakin' uniform and all) or try to get Tyr's attention (freakin' brooding muscle man). After all, it wasn't his fault that he was firmly wedged in the center of the group with his back to the wall. He just needed to get away from Dylan and Tyr and the ladies would be all over him. Yeah, that's right, he was The Harper, how could they resist him?!? Now he just needed an excuse to get away from the table for a little while. He looked at Trance next to him, realized she was nearly done with her drink and saw his opportunity. "Hey Trance babe, I'll go get you another drink. What is that you're drinking anyway?"

Trance sipped on her bright purple drink happily. "I don't really know. When I found out that the Yoshido game was canceled I was so sad and I went to the bar to get a drink and the nice man behind the counter said a pretty purple lady like me shouldn't be sad, and so he made me this pretty drink because I like purple and I feel a lot better about the game now even though I would've really like to play, but I guess that's ok because I get to spend more time with you guys and that's really why we came here anyway, right?" Everyone was staring at Trance, trying to figure out how such a small person could have enough air in her body to say all that without pausing to breathe. "Umm, guys, why are you staring at me?"

Beka laughed. "Trance you had better be careful, I think you're getting drunk already. Not that a drunk Trance isn't fun, but who would treat you for the hangover the tomorrow morning?"

Dylan smiled too. "A drunk Trance… that would be something new. I haven't had to deal with a inebriated crew member for a long time. In the old days you would've been locked in the brig for returning from shore leave intoxicated, but I think I would make an exception for you Trance. Even I would find a drunken purple girl too adorable to lock up."

Trance looked at everyone slightly shocked. "I am not getting drunk, I'm just happy to be with you all! And why does everyone always want to see me get drunk?! Harper keeps trying to get me to drink that beer stuff he likes, and Beka and Dylan are talking about me being drunk!" She decided not to mention that her pretty purple drink contained no alcohol at all.

"Aww, it's ok Trance, there's nothing wrong with getting a little drunk, just this once." Harper flashed his best smile at Trance. He had a new plan now; seeing Trance just a little drunk could be a whole lot more fun that competing with Dylan and Tyr for women. "We wouldn't let anything happen to ya. Come on, I want another drink too, and you don't want me to drink alone do you?"

Trance had a new plan of her own in mind. Harper was right, there was nothing wrong with letting yourself have a break sometimes. Rev Bem had his belief in the Divine and Tyr was consumed by his Will To Power which kept them balanced, but Dylan and Harper and Beka had been stressing a lot lately. Maybe it was time for them to take their own advice and relax a little. The wicked little part of her mind whispered that it would be fun to see them all tipsy **and** get back at them for mistaking her happiness for drunkeness too! "Ok Harper, I guess I'll get another one if you think it's a good idea."


	3. Harper's giving advice?

Trance and Harper found an empty space at the bar right next to Rev and a depressed young man. Harper signaled the bartender for refills and as they waited for their drinks he and Trance listened to Rev try to help the young man.

"Ah yes, I understand how your girlfriend leaving you for your best friend could cause you great pain. The Divine works in ways that are not always clear at first, but the Way can help you understand and show you your place in the universe. For example it is possible the Divine was using you as a conduit to help bring two people meant for each other together, and that the pain which you curse is in actuality an invitation and your path to the greater happiness and peace to be found through the Way."

The young man did not appear at all soothed by Rev's wisdom and, as Beka predicted, was so drunk he was hardly even hearing the magog's words. Harper wasn't falling for Rev's philosophizing either. "Yeah, it could be that, or it could just be that the universe hates you. So get used to it and move on to the next girl who'll dump you for Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome next week and enjoy the ride."

"Mr. Harper…" "Harper!" Rev Bem and Trance were not amused by the engineer's cynical outlook and advice. The depressed man however raised his head from the bar for the first time and looked at Harper. " You are so right! We were together for only a week, and he was tall dark and handsome! And this isn't the first time this has happened to me. The universe does hate me!"

"You aren't the only buddy, trust me on that." Harper shook his head a little and drained half of his beer in one go.

As he got up to leave the man grabbed his arm. "Wait! I'm Malek. I want to hear more about how you can survive, and get women, in a universe that hates you. Let me buy you a shot to go with your beer."

At the mention of free alcohol Harper sat down again, and began to preach his own peculiar philosophy to the man. Trance couldn't believe that Malek was actually seeking comfort from Harper rather than Rev. But Harper seemed to be getting a lot of things off his chest and Malek was much more responsive, so maybe everything was for the best. Rev Bem was looking shaken though, an expression Trance would've though impossible for the magog physiology.

"I can't believe that you man is searching for comfort in a doctrine of a hostile and maleficent universe. I can't believe he is seeking counsel from Harper. I can't believe he is asking for relationship advice from Harper!! Our engineer has many talents Trance, but comfort, counsel, and girls are not any of them." The reverend looked around the bar for a moment as if seeking an anchor to reality. Fortunately he saw the other lonely man at the opposite end of the bar. "Excuse me Trance, I see another young person in need of help. Perhaps I can be of use to him."

Trance gave Rev a mischievous little smile, "Afraid of losing another convert to Harper?"

"Trance, you know that Wayists don't convert people, we just show them…Ah yes", Rev returned Trance's small smile "a joke. Very amusing." He looked over at the now widely gesticulating engineer. "I will rejoin you and the others later, until then try to keep Mr. Harper out of trouble." Trance turned back to Harper and Malek as Rev Bem made his way down to the other end of the bar. Realizing that it was going to be awhile before Harper was ready to return to the table Trance arranged with the bartender to have several rather strong drinks delivered to the table at regular intervals. Hopefully by the time they returned to the others everyone would be in an equally jovial mood.


	4. Tyr's soldiers

an: I had intended this to be humorous like the rest of the chapters, but in making it about Tyr's old home it got all angsty. So I cut it to bits and tried to get rid of most of the angst. Oops. Sorry! You can just skip this chapter if it's humor you want; it won't disrupt the plot (such as it is) in any way. On the up side this may lead to a spin-off story with Tyr angst and Tyr/Beka 'friendship'. Whadya think?

An eternal optimist, Dylan tried talking to Tyr again. "Tyr, how did you find out about this dealer anyway, you've never mentioned this system before. Have you ever conducted business here?"

"I have never mentioned this system before because there is nothing left of value here. I would not be here at all except for our desperate need for weaponry. Now if you please, leave me in peace until my business is concluded." Dylan was confused, he couldn't help feeling that he was crossing some sort of line with Tyr but he couldn't imagine how. Tyr had never been defensive about or, the Divine forbid, ashamed of his mercenary past. Secretive yes, but never defensive.

Beka had first noticed a change in Tyr's behavior as they approached the system. She immediately suspected the problem and a quick query of the Maru's database had confirmed it. Rather than let Dylan make matters worse by continuing she decided to tell him what she had learned. Leaning over to whisper in his ear and pointing into the crowd as though talking about the bar patrons she told him "Dylan let it go. One of the planets in this system was a major Kodiak colony and site of the final Kodiak-Dragan battle. Not where Tyr's parents were killed, but it was where the very last of the resistance died. He wasn't even here, and guilt like that drives Nietzscheans crazy." Dylan looked as though he wanted to protest, and Beka could just imagine what he wanted to say. 'Beka he has to talk about it. If he doesn't confront his feeling he'll never realize how baseless his guilt is. It's our duty as friends and crewmates….blah, blah, blah' Beka put a finger up to Dylan's lips, "Trust me, just leave it be. This is a Nietzschean thing you do not want to mess with uninvited."

Just then a tall and slightly portly older Nietzschean with a round face approached the table. With a sudden laugh he punched Tyr on the shoulder, "Tyr! It really is you; I thought you were dead for sure by now. So how have you been little general? Is your tin soldier army still loyal to you? HaHaHa Well now boy, introduce me to your friends."

Beka stared at Ty in fascination. He looked almost like a child who had seen the boogie man. She watched his mouth open and close for several moments before he regained the ability to speak. I haven't seen you in 20 years, I never guessed you were…" Seeing the strange expression on his crewmates faces he struggled to regain his normal impermeable attitude. "This is Captain Dylan Hunt of the Andromeda Ascendant and Beka Valentine, pilot. But your business here tonight is with me, I was under the impression you are the largest weapons dealer in this area and I am interested in your inventory."

"Tyr, you've lost some of that smooth charm and courtesy you had as a child. You only gave half the introduction so I'll have to complete it for you. I am Ferdinand Lafayette, of Tokugawa pride, former emissary to the shrine of Drago Museveni and very probably the only being left in the universe who ever saw Tyr Anasazi play with toy soldiers. I used to call him little general because he would spend an entire day setting up a battle and strategizing. He always tried to get the other children to reenact the battle for him, but they had no interest in being human chess pieces for his amusement. Except, for that one little girl, but then she was your youngest sister wasn't she? I remember how she idolized you… but we shouldn't talk of the dead any longer. As you said we have business to attend to."

Beka watched this exchange and tried to figure out if she should duck for cover, restrain Tyr, or shoot Lafayette herself. Using psychological manipulation during negotiations was one thing, but for a Nietzschean, and a former ally at that, to use dead family against another Nietzschean was the equivalent to declaring war. And it was just cruel. Layfayette seemed to have some sort of strange influence over Tyr though. Instead of attacking the older Nietzschean, verbally or otherwise, Tyr just looked away.

A few moments later Tyr apparently regained control of himself and began negotiations with the weapons dealer. They went quickly and without most of the usual veiled threats, head games, and other negotiating tricks. Within 10 minutes Tyr had arranged for a wide variety of weaponry and munitions to be delivered to the Andromeda, credit transfer to be completed when the cargo was on board. Lafayette smiled at Dylan and Beka and looked as though he wanted to say more but left without another word.

Tyr sat for a moment and watched him sit down in a corner of the room and conduct business with his next client. Dylan knew something important had just happened, but had few hopes that Tyr would actually explain. He had to try though. "So, Tyr, about that, who exac…"

Tyr stood immediately. "My business is done here for the night. I will return to the Maru now and wait for you all to finish wasting your time here. If you need to talk to me about something I suggest you wait until tomorrow when your brain won't be so addled by all the alcohol you have consumed. Good Night." He left without waiting for a response.

Just then the waitress appeared bringing yet another round of drinks that they hadn't ordered. Dylan tried to protest, but the woman just winked at him and sashayed away with the empty glasses. He absentmindedly took a sip of the new drink.

Beka thought about questioning the free drinks, but she really was having a good night, even with Tyr's strangeness. She made it a rule to never get drunk, but it was like birthday cake and calories; calories from birthday cake didn't count and alcohol in free drinks didn't count. By the time she was halfway through her second free drink that made perfect sense. And that man by the door was looking more attractive by the minute.


	5. Phone bad, very bad

Several hours later Trance was quite pleased with the results of her little trick. Dylan, Beka, and Harper were all much more relaxed and open to each other than normal. Like all intoxicated people they suddenly felt the need to share all their honest feelings, their troubles and worries as well as their life philosophies, interspersed with off color jokes of course. Rev Bem had returned to the table as well and once Trance let him in on her joke found the situation as amusing as she did. He looked over at Harper who had been quiet for a new record of three minutes and twenty three seconds. "Harper, is something troubling you?"

Harper suddenly threw his hands up towards the ceiling. "My greatest creation, my Glorious Heritage goddess made flesh, the woman of my dreams and love of my life, Rommie. I wish she was here. There are so many things I want to tell her. Rommie, where are you Rommie?!?" Harper's head thumped down on the table.

Beka was highly amused. Harper was by far the drunkest, and had obviously passed into the melancholy stage. "Harper you idiot, she's on the ship. Where we left her just a few hours ago, where else would she be?"

"Of course! I have to call her. I need to talk to her, to confess how I feel, to find out if she could ever love me!"

Trance watched Harper fumble with the communicator with a confused look on her face. "Beka, what is he talking about? He tells Rommie he loves her all the time and she always tells him she doesn't love him that way."

"Trance you are about to witness an ancient Earth custom called 'drunk dialing'. Always a bad idea for the person doing the calling, usually funny for the rest of us. Just watch."

Harper finally managed to get the communicator right side up and signaled Rommie. She responded quickly, "Yes Harper, what do you want?" Harper just stared at her, temporarily forgetting why he had called her. "Harper what's wrong, where's Dylan?" Dylan didn't even hear her as he was preoccupied trying to explain why the Commonwealth must be restored to a poor woman who had only wanted to ask the captain to dance. The mention of Dylan's name set Harper off though.

"Sure, Dylan you ask about. It's always Dylan isn't it?!? Captain Terrific, Babe Magnet of the Universe strikes again. Never mind that is was Seamus Z. Harper that lovingly created you, gave you the ability to love in every sense of the word, who fixes you every time Mr. Wonderful's plans get you blown up. I can't take it any more, I don't need this, I don't deserve this! Goodbye Rommie, nice knowin' ya!" Harper had a glimpse of an astonished Rommie as he broke the signal. He stared at the screen for a moment, then began lightly pounding his head on the table. "Crap, crap, crap…"

Beka patted the top of his head and tried not to laugh too much. "It'll be ok Seamus, I'll explain to Rommie. Look I'll call her right now." She took the communicator from Harper and signaled Rommie. A very confused Rommie answered and immediately began questioning Beka. Meanwhile the woman Dylan had trapped finally escaped leaving the captain free to turn his attention, such as it was at this point, back to his crew. Rev Bem attempted to explain to Dylan why the engineer was giving himself a concussion while Beka was describing the physical sensation and lowered inhibitions of intoxication to the avatar. "Well Dylan, Harper was trying to explain… why yes Dylan that is quite an attractive female but I don't think she wants to hear about the Commonwealth…Harper had difficulty articulating his feelings to Rommie so Beka is trying to… Dylan please pay attention, she doesn't care about your force lance either…Harper stop hitting your head against the table, if the Divine wants you to have a concussion he will drop a rock on your head. Oh I give up, Trance please help me here, this was your idea after all."

"I think you're right Rev, it's probably time to go." Trance signaled the waitress to bring them some water and paid the tab. Harper finally stopped knocking his head against the table and laid it on Trance's shoulder, "You still love me don't you Trance?" The purple girl smiled down at him, "Of course I do Harper, now drink your water so we can go."

"Ok mommy."

Beka finally finished talking with Rommie. "My work here is done. Rommie promises to let us all back on the ship. She's more curious than angry now. She said she wishes she could experience intoxication herself. Hey lover boy, couldn't you program something so Rommie could feel tipsy?"

Harper became somewhat alert again at the words "program" and "Rommie." "Well actually, being the universally acclaimed genius that I am I did design a program once. I hoped it would get Rommie in the mood… Did I just say that out loud? Heh, heh, yeah anyway, the only problem is in order to make it feel real it can't be a regular program, it has to be more like a virus, which means I need Rommie to lower her firewall to let it in. Otherwise splat goes the virus. And Rommie will only lower her firewall with Dylan's permission, and I figured he would never let his warship get drunk, soooo… umm, Dylan can Rommie lower her firewall?"

Dylan was feeling benevolent, and that coupled with the fact that he hadn't really followed the conversation prompted him to contact Rommie. "Rommie, listen, go ahead and do what Harper says. About that firewall thing or whatever it was. Don't worry, it'll be fine."

Harper was now bouncing in his seat a lot like Trance had been bouncing in the Maru earlier. Seeing Rommie uninhibited was one of his private fantasies. He completed the upload to Rommie and began bugging Trance about returning to the Andromeda. Trance was trying to round the others up to go, but Dylan had wandered off in search of the woman he had seen earlier, and Rev Bem was trying to convince Beka that she didn't really want to bring the large muscular man she had started dancing with back to the Maru. By the time Trance and Rev Bem had everyone headed for the Maru Harper had managed to get another beer, Beka was really wishing she could bring that man back to the Maru, and Dylan appeared to be dictating his thesis "How to restore the Commonwealth with a single ship and 6 crew members in less that 5 years". Trance had no idea relaxing could be so much work.

A/N: So to finish or not to finish? I've planned out a drunken ride home chapter, written most of a midnight snacks chapter, and planned a waking up the next morning chapter. Thanks again!


	6. Are we there yet?

A/N: ok, back again. First thank you so much to my reviewers! I had no idea how much motivation a few words could give.

Second, egads!! I have just (12/16/2004) read (or possibly reread) Brit2's story And the Winner Is! And either we are on the same wavelength or I have unintentionally borrowed her 'Harper gets Rommie drunk' plot point. Sorry! If it bothers, let me know and I'll alter it.

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Tyr was not pleased. Not pleased at all. As if his night wasn't going badly enough, he now had to pilot the Maru back to the Andromeda while dealing with three intoxicated crew members. He had been greeted at the entry hatch by the sober but always disgusting magog and a sober but noxiously giggling Trance. Those two would have been irritating enough, but they followed by an extremely drunk Harper singing love songs off key, an intoxicated Dylan who kept calling him buddy, and a glaring Beka who was muttering something about not being able to bring men back to her own ship anymore. Tyr had never seen Beka intoxicated before, and he found her glare and aggressive behavior somehow disturbing. And while his colleagues always excelled at inane conversation they were outdoing themselves tonight.

"Dylan, I've got a question for you. If the Andromeda Ascendant was one of the High Guard's premier ships why are there absolutely no seatbelts anywhere on board? Even the Maru has seatbelts. Hmm?" Beka poked the captain in the shoulder as if she had just scored a point in some argument only she was aware of.

Tyr spoke to the group, "I trust you understand that your presence in the cockpit does not mean that I will be participating in the rest of your evening. I hope the purple one and the monk take care of the rest of you, if it were up to me I would have dumped you all into the vacuum of space already." Unfortunately for Tyr no one was listening to him at this point. And Dylan was not going to be diverted.

"First Beka, Andromeda was not **one of** the premier ships, she was **the** premier ship. She was the best. And she still is! Do you remember the time we beat those Pyrian torch ships? And how we outran those Tellian courier ships? And those Ogami ships we blew to bits?!? That was great!" Dylan seemed to have lost the point somewhere. Didn't matter much though, as Beka was distracted by a new thought of her own.

One the other side of the pilot's chair stood Trance and Harper. Harper was holding Trance's hand, and she was letting him, partially because she knew he needed her help to stand up, partially because she knew he wasn't hitting on her, and partially because she enjoyed the feeling of holding her friend's hand. Harper hadn't stopped talking since entering the Maru.

"…and that's how Beka and I tricked that security team, just a Harper-patented little hack into the communications system, flip the permissions settings like a burger on the grill, access the upper level archives, splice together some old data and viola! they get orders to release us and then , oooo look at that orbiting communications distribution center, if I could get access to one of those I could pull the same trick on a planetary scale, we would never have to deal with anti-Commonwealth propaganda again. We could make it so that an entire planet would believe they had already joined the Commonwealth before we even got there. Oh, hey, even better, I could make them think I was a god! Of course I am a god anyway, a god of Love that is. Wait for me Rommie, I'm coming home!"

Trance didn't want to hurt his feelings, but she couldn't help but laugh in mingled amusement and amazement. She understood far more about the universe than the others would ever guess, but even she couldn't understand how Harper's mind made the connections it did. She gripped his hand more tightly for a moment. "That sounds just amazing Harper. I don't understand most of it, but I bet it's all brilliant."

Harper looked a little surprised for a moment, then suddenly swung his arms open wide, and burst out "I love you guys sooooo much!" He nearly pulled Trance's arm of its socket, and if not for her grip on him he would have tumbled sideways onto Tyr. Which would have been a very bad thing. But Trance was there to save him again, as always.

Tyr nearly flinched as Harper's hand came within inches of his eye. Why are these fools all standing around me when they can barely stand? he thought. He was about to shout at them all to get back to the mess area where they belonged when he realized that Beka was not arguing with Dylan anymore. As a matter of fact she was now staring at him again. But she wasn't glaring anymore. It was more of an inspection or evaluation. No, there was really no other way to say it, Beka Valentine was checking him out. And not in her usual circumspect way either; there was no restraint here, no regret for what couldn't be. Tyr couldn't understand what he was feeling. He should be repulsed by her lack of self control, a quality that normally defined her almost to the point of being a fault, but he found himself even more attracted to her than normal. He tried to focus all his thoughts on piloting the Maru, and was a little relieved when they finally entered Andromeda's docking bay.

Harper may have been having trouble standing, but he somehow managed to run off in search of the object of his obsessions. Trance chased after him to make sure he didn't hurt himself in his eagerness to find Rommie. Rev Bem, who had been attempting to meditate during the return trip, followed at a more dignified pace. Dylan turned to the remainder of his crew, "I think we should all go find Rommie. Don't you think?" Getting no response from either of them he continued, "Well, ok then, I guess I'll see you two later. But not much later, right? Right. Ok, going to find the others now."

Tyr released the seatbelt, stood, was about to follow Dylan when Beka placed her hand on his chest and began to look him up and down again. "Tyr, you're a man. A Nietzschean, but a man still. Right?……And you are on my ship. Yup, right here on my ship. So those pants are awful tight there Tyr, exactly how long does it take to get out of them? Do you need special help or anything?"

Tyr didn't know what to say at first. Obviously the attraction had been there for some time, but Beka could never be a wife and he had always assumed she would not accept being a second class woman to a Nietzschean. True, he had imagined scenarios where he and Beka ended up in bed together, but they all involved him as the aggressor, and usually Dylan's death. But he had never considered the possible ramifications and implications of this situation. Much as he might like to take advantage of Beka's invitation he couldn't act in this situation without understanding all the possible outcomes. There was also the not so small matter of how much the value of the prize would be diminished if he won it through alcohol. "Get a grip woman, nothing about our situation has changed in the last 24 hours except your blood alcohol level. Now let's go find the others before the android damages our only engineer." With that Tyr strode quickly out towards the exit hatch.

Beka was back to glaring again. She eventually followed him out muttering under her breath the entire way, "If Rev had just let bring that guy back with me I wouldn't be having this problem. But noooo, it's 'for your own good Beka'. My own good my ass. I'm surrounded by arrogant men, I swear the men on this freaking ship have no idea…"

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Argg, for the life of me I cannot make Tyr funny. He always comes out serious, even in the middle of a nonsense story. Oh, and I'm going to try to put more Rev into the next chapter.


	7. Home Sweet Home

FYI, this is a slightly updated version of this chapter. Just fixed a few typos, tho' I don't doubt there are more. And this little note up here used to say just one more chapter when what I meant was one more chapter after this one. Which is now posted. :)

01/16/2005 - Thanks janeta siri for pointing out the gobbledegook I forgot to cut out when I reloaded this chapter - I think it's all fixed now!!

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The dining area sounded like a school cafeteria, everyone talking over each other, listening to each other's conversations and interrupting frequently. Despite his threats Tyr was still with the group, standing in the corner watching with a look of disgust on his face. Trance and Rev Bem tried to get everyone to drink water or head to their own quarters, but this didn't appeal to the others for some reason. Their attempts were unexpectedly hampered by both the main AI and Holo-Andromeda. Somehow Harper's 'drunk virus' had spread from Rommie to the mainframe. The AI had isolated it, but Holo-Andromeda was slightly tipsy, and the main AI was taking advantage of the situation to collect incriminating evidence against her other selves, to be used the next time they argued with her.

"I didn't chase all the women away by drooling on them! Dylan was doin' all the driving. And anyway, I don't drool."

"Well I didn't so much drive them away as talk to them. I was just saying…"

It became obvious to the sober people in the room that Holo-Andromeda was affected by Rommie's virus when she talked right over her captain. "Actually you do drool in your sleep sometimes Harper."

"EEEEEwwwwwwww" Beka and Trance looked at each other, both grossed out.

Harper looked completely horrified for a moment, then considered the implications of that statement. Cozying up to Rommie, he put an arm around her and gave her a look of pure lechery. "So you watch me sleep? Like whatcha see?"

It was Rommie's turn to be horrified now. "Eww. No. Not me. She does" Rommie shoved Harper in the direction of the hologram.

Everyone laughed, and waited for Holo-Rommie to make some sort of cutting remark. Instead she just looked around the room, at anything but Harper. After 2 or 3 seconds, an eternity for an AI, she tried to cover up her awkward silence. "Well, I have to check on the crew, it's part of my programming. And you have such strange nutritional habits and sleeping patterns I like to keep a closer eye on you than the others. Some things you can only tell from a visual inspection you know, I mean that's what you say all the time. You're important an important part of the crew Harper and I want to take care of you."

Now everyone was staring at the hologram, trying to figure out if she was saying what they thought she was saying. No one was more shocked than Harper, who barely squeaked out, "Really Andromeda?"

A quick internal conversation with the completely sober main AI made Holo-Rommie think she may have said too much, or said it in the wrong away. She decided to use the time honored tactic of diverting the conversation to someone else to save herself. "Well I like taking care of all my crew, anyway, I don't watch you sleep as much as she talks about Dylan!" The hologram pointed at the ambushed Rommie.

Rev had joined Tyr in the corner long ago. The crew had gotten the munchies and assembled in the dining area to consume an old human favorite. A magog can only take so much popcorn being thrown at him. Even a Wayist monk magog. Especially with Dylan telling Beka, Harper, and Rommie Three points if you get it in his ear, one point if it sticks in his hair. and Harper adding Yeah and double points if he doesn't pull it out "It truly is amazing how a small amount of a simple fermented beverage can reduce such intelligent and capable people to a childlike state. But then it also seems to help them open the way to their hearts does it not? What do you think Tyr?"

"I think that people hide the things in their hearts for good reason. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about what is in your heart and the only way to survive that cold fact is to refuse to admit it into your reality." Tyr was staring straight at Beka. Rev Bem chose not to tell Tyr that he had seen this, but Tyr felt the magog's gaze and tried to cover. "In any case, no one could call the quantity of alcohol Harper consumed small, and it doesn't take much at all to reduce him to a child."

Rev was about to say more on the matter, but a frazzled looking Trance joined them. "All right, I think it's time for them to go to bed. Beka wants to try to pilot to Tarn Vedra again, Dylan won't stop playing with his force lance even though he's already destroyed two chairs, and I don't even want to say what Harper wants to do. I'm not even sure if it's physically possible, I mean it probably is for some species… Anyway, I can't convince anyone to go to their quarters, but I have an idea of where we can put them to keep them out of trouble but I need your help to get them there. So listen…."

Tyr smiled for the first time that evening. This plan suited him just fine. It seemed he was going to get something out of the evening after all. He threw his head back and laughed as Trance finished her explanation. Turning towards the others as they began a heated argument about whether Harper's favorite drink should be called soda, pop, or coke he boomed "Fellow crewmates! We are going to move this little party to a more appropriate location with better facilities. If you will come this way please?"

The others were so surprised to hear Tyr speak they stopped their argument. They had nearly forgotten he was even still in the room. Beka was particularly interested in seeing where Tyr wanted to take them, which could explain why she stumbled as they all stood to follow him. She bumped hard into Dylan, who bumped hard into Rommie. She would have bumped into Holo-Rommie if the hologram had any mass. Unfortunately for Rommie she ended up on the floor, which would never have happened if the virus hadn't shut down all her gyros and positional sensors. Nearly everyone looked embarrassed, including the hologram since she was not only the person how couldn't stop Rommie from falling, she was also in a some sense the person who fell. Harper thought it was the most hilarious thing he had seen in months, and couldn't stop laughing.

"Haha! Beka you're drunk!"

Beka was not so amused. "I'm not drunk Harper. It's these damn shoes!"

He burst into laughter again. "I can't believe you're trying to blame your shoes! You're soooo drunk. You can't even walk!"

Beka and Harper continued their bickering as they followed Dylan and Rommie behind Tyr. Rev and Trance smiled at each other as they brought up the rear. The evening would finally be over soon and they could get some sleep. Too bad the next duty shift started in only three hours.


	8. Please, if you love me, no eggs!

Finally, it's over. Yay. This silly thing started off as one quick scene in my head and look what happened, 8 chapters! I'm thinking about doing a sequel of sorts though. One of my reviewers suggested I get Tyr or Trance or even Rev (!!) drunk, so I'm thinking of doing a follow up where they get drunk but the others stay sober. A payback kinda thing. It probably won't happen for a little while though, I'm sort of out of inspiration on this particular topic. Thanks again!

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Rommie was the first to 'wake up' later that morning. A quick data sync with the main AI caused all her memories of the previous evening to return with a vengeance. Apparently the main AI had become so concerned with her behavior towards Dylan that it had put her into hibernation mode for six hours until the last of the intoxication virus had self destructed. Why, Rommie thought, Why did I do that, what was I thinking?!? She was not feeling the physical pain of a hangover, afterall Harper had designed it to make her like him better, but she was feeling the emotional pain. Through the data link the Holo portion of herself sympathized, she was also regretting some of the previous evening. What they both regretted most was the fact that the entire evening was an indelible part of the ship's records, records the main AI would not hesitate for a moment to recall.

Minutes later the other awoke to the sounds of Trance and Rev's good mornings and Tyr's laughter. They all reacted similarly to the accomodations. First came confusion, then realization, then shock, then embarrassment. Then awareness that they had one of the worst hangovers of their entire life. They were each housed in their own personal cell in the ship's brig. Beka just sat on the bed, head in hands looking down at her bare feet. Harper tried to sit up, but froze when his stomach and head informed him that he was not allowed to move yet. He tried to remember what exactly had happened, but his last clear memory was taking shots at the bar with the depressed guy. That and uploading the drunk virus to Rommie. And hadn't he called Rommie?

"Rommie please tell me I didn't call you last night from the bar?"

Rommie answered quietly, "Yes you did Harper. Unfortunately."

Dylan was the first to recover enough to ask why they were there and not in their quarters. Rev and Tyr let Trance answer, since it had been her idea. "Well Dylan, you were the one who told me that in the old Commonwealth drunken crew members got locked up in the brig. So when you and the others said in the mess that you didn't want to go back to your quarters I guessed you wanted it to be like in the old days. So we brought you here!"

Harper chose that moment to try to speak again. "Ok, fine, whatever, but why alone? Couldn't you a least have put me in a cell with Rommie?"

Rommie was not amused, but she didn't even bother yelling at him. She was too preoccupied trying to find a backdoor way to delete the incriminating files. No luck.

Tyr was leaning against the wall ('cuz that's what Tyr does) as he filled Dylan and the others in on some of the details. "Foolish boy, it wouldn't have mattered; the ship shut the android down as soon as we reached the cells and you passed out singing ballads to the cell walls not long after the magog locked you in your cell. Trance took Beka's shoes escorted her to her cell, while I Captain, had the privilege of placing you in you cell and throwing away the key so to speak.

Tyr was looking far too pleased with himself for Dylan. "HaHa Tyr. Well, it's not like this is the first time something like this has happened to me. I was a young lieutenant once you know, it's been awhile though." Dylan managed to completely regain his composure, and stood up looking fully the captain they all knew so well. "Well Trance I think with just a little aspirin we'll be completely recovered, so you can let us out now."

"I'm very sorry Dylan but I can't do that." Dylan sat down hard. "Andromeda helped me look up the old Commonwealth rules about returning from leave intoxicated and it says that the minimum umm incarceration period is 24 hours. So you guys have about 18 hours left. I'll have some off Andromeda's bots bring you some coffee and breakfast. Eggs and oatmeal would be good I think!" Trance quickly turned around and skipped down the hallway.

The captain was too used to following protocol to protest at first. By the time he pulled himself together Trance was long gone and Tyr was smiling at him in an especially irritating way. Dylan gave up, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Harper was still calling weakly after Trance. "God, Trance please, no eggs. Ugggg, just thinking about wobbly, slimmy scrambled eggs makes my stomach… Oh, Divine save me, I think I'm dying, my head's gonna explode…"

Rev decided to take this moment to gently revenge himself on Mr. Harper for the previous evening. "Ah yes young Master Harper, our hearts are often opened to the Way at the time of our greatest troubles. Knowledge of the Divine and an understanding of his will can bring great comfort to even the most sorely afflicted. As Brother Jonah Celestine wrote over 1000 years ago"

"Please Rev, not religion this early in the morning! I think I would rather have eggs for breakfast the philosophy mumbo jumbo."

Rev Bem took no mercy on the ill engineer. "And what kind of friend would I be if I left you alone in you pain? Never fear, I understand it is your pain talking and I won't leave you alone for a moment during your recovery. Brother Celestine wrote on this very matter…"

Watching Harper squirm Tyr felt as though the previous evening wasn't an entire waste after all. He had discovered new weaknesses in all three of the ships incarnations (weaknesses he might exploit one day), seen Dylan make a fool of himself and allow himself to be imprisoned by a purple child, and seen Beka expose more of her feelings than ever before. Beka had been strangely subdued since waking up in the cell, but muttering almost constantly. Tyr moved closer to hear her.

"If Rev had just let me bring that dark haired guy back to the Maru I wouldn't be locked up here right now. I would have my shoes too. Damn he had nice arms. Or that blonde guy, he would have been ok too, but no Dylan had to chase him away with Commonwealth talk. Or I could have skipped this whole trip and gone to meet Charlemagne like he asked. Even that Perseid from the corner of the bar wasn't looking so bad but Tyr had to go and scare him away."

Beka continued on, growing more graphic and bitter. Tyr backed slowly away. Perhaps he had learned just a little too much about Beka. A Perseid was higher up on her list of potential partners than he was? A Perseid?!?

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oh, btw this particular chapter was written in under an hour, which is much faster than I like to write. I needed to finish and post this though before I would let myself start another story. So if this one is a let down, well, know that I plan on revising the whole thing eventually.


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